The Survival Guide in VenturiMcDonald territory
by LetyBaroque
Summary: Lizzie McDonald and Edwin Venturi present: The Survival Guide in Venturi-McDonald territory. Humor.
1. Cover

_**The characters of Life With Derek are not my property. **_

_***This is my first fanfiction completely in English, it's not a translation. **_

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**LIZZIE McDONALD**

**&**

**EDWIN VENTURI**

Present:

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**The Survival Guide in Venturi-McDonald territory**

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_Original idea from :_

Edwin Venturi & Lizzie McDonald

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_With voluntary collaboration from:_

Georges Venturi

Nora (McDonald) Venturi

Marti Venturi

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_And involuntary from:_

Casey McDonald

Derek Venturi

* * *

Thanks to Dom-Jam, my betareader.


	2. WARNING

**WARNING**

_Penetrate in Venturi-MacDonald territory is dangerous. _

_The Guide is a free initiative; we don't guarantee a total effectiveness. _

_You are warned._

_By this fact, the authors of this document are discharged from all liability in case of moral prejudice or physical damage. _

_Lizzie MacDonald_

_Edwin Venturi_

* * *

Thanks to Don-Jam, my betareader.


	3. Use of the Guide

**Rules 1 to 5**

**Use of the Guide**

**Rule 1:** Don't mention the Guide to Derek or Casey.

- They aren't aware of the existence of this Guide and the authors, for their own health, want to keep the secret.

**Rule 2:** Don't use the Guide against his actors.

- To be clearer, NEVER use the information of this document to harm the family in question here (George, Nora, Marti, Edwin, Lizzie). Maybe they are ok with the idea of this Guide, but they can change their mind (and it's you who would pay the bill after that).

- For the special case of Derek and Casey, even if they don't know the Survival Guide, we warn you: they are very touchy (to be nice in our formulation).

**Rule 3:** Don't upset Derek or Casey.

- Nobody wants them as enemy. As stated above, they are very touchy, but it's not all. They are very imaginative when we talk revenge language, especially Derek. Though Casey makes progress all days; she knows how defend herself (no choice with Derek as stepbrother).

**Rule 4:** Don't critic Edwin or Lizzie.

- They are the authors, your messiahs when you are in hostile territory. And they are your best allies against the tyranny of Derek and Casey.

**Rule 5:** Keep the Survival Guide under seal.

- If you're surprised with the compromising document, it will be burn (and, you, you'll burn with it). And you don't want that, not if you love life. The Guide is your best friend, but if you are discovered, it will become your worst enemy. Watch your back, guys.

* * *

Thanks to Dom-Jam, my betareader.


	4. Use of the Bathroom

**Rules 6 to 10**

**Use of the Bathroom**

**Rule 6:** Don't take Derek's turn in the bathroom.

- At least, if you like to take hot showers. If cold water doesn't disturb you, you can try, but we don't predict a brilliant future for you when Derek done with you.

**Rule 7:** Don't take Casey's place in the bathroom.

- At least, if you don't want to listen her cries for the entirety of your visit. Eventually, she can have a very _unpleasant_ voice. If you have some problems with your tympanum, you shod may wish to reconsider the possibility, but like for Derek, it's not recommended.

**Rule 8:** No remark about the (always long) monopolization of the bathroom by Casey.

- She's very sensitive about it, don't push your luck.

**Rule 9:** Don't use Casey's shampoo.

- Derek loves annoyed Casey, it's not new. The shampoo of his stepsister is frequently the object of his mischief. If you don't want to wash your hair with paint stripper, don't take the risk.

**Rule 10:** Don't question the relevance of shavers for Derek and Edwin.

- The Venturi's boys aren't very hairy; it's a delicate subject for them. Their manhood is directly affected by this.

* * *

Thanks to my betareader, Dom-Jam.


	5. Better to keep your mouth shut

**Rules 11 to 15**

**Better to keep your mouth shut**

**Rule 11 :** If Derek did something nice for Casey, don't mention it.

- It's so infrequent and unnatural, that he would be very _irritated_ that you throw it in his face.

**Rule 12 :** The same thing if Casey did something nice for Derek.

- Anyway, she'd deny the fact. Derek too... certainly.

**Rule 13:** On second thought, just don't talk about any niceness from Derek.

- It could affect his reputation and he _should_ kill you for that. Nothing personal.

**Rule 14** **:** Don't pronounce Max's name in front of Casey.

- She always becomes very melancholic in these cases. Nobody wants to hear her complaint. She's so… mushy and Derek hates that, he doesn't know how deal with a crying princess.

**Rule 15** **:** Don't pronounce Truman's name in front of Casey or Derek.

- Casey would cry and Derek would want to kill the bastard.

* * *

Thanks to Dom-Jam, my betareader.


	6. Just shut up this time

**Rules 16 to 20**

**Just shut up this time**

**Rule 16**: Don't talk about Derek in bad terms in front of Marti.

- She loves her big brother and studies at the best "Annoying People" school there is. She shall surely surpass the master one day, for the pride or the despair of Derek, only time will tell.

**Rule 17**: Don't talk about Marti in bad terms in front of Derek.

- He loves his little sister as she loves him. She's the only person Derek truly cares about. She's his precious pupil, and he protects her at any cost. If you want to stay alive, follow this rule, don't joke with it. We are serious... (On second thought, Don't talk about our Marti in bad terms in front of anybody)

**Rule 18**: Don't talk about Derek in good terms in front of Casey. And vice versa.

- Casey _hates_ Derek with all her heart. Derek _hates_ Casey deeply. If you choose a camp, it's becoming the enemy of Casey or Derek, and you don't want that. Stay neutral, tell them what they want to hear or shut up. (The second option is recommended by your devoted servitors.)

**Rule 19**: Don't talk about the eternal conflict between Derek and Casey to George and Nora.

- They are so tired of them. They will kick your ass if you point it out. They want to kick their asses, but are legally not allow to do. Consequently, they have a lot of anger accumulated; do you want them take it out on you?

**Rule 20**: Don't talk against Edwin or Lizzie.

- They just don't want it. Don't forget they are the authors of this Survival Guide. Consequently, if you want to survive… (And yes, this rule is similar to the number 4, but we want to make sure of your understanding.)

* * *

Thanks to Dom-Jam, my betareader.


	7. Use of the Edwin

**Rules 21 to 25**

**Use of the Edwin**

**Rule 21:** Stay away from Edwin during the high school hockey series.

- Do you remember the stinking "lucky" shirt he wore before and during the hockey series? It was disgusting, right. But now, he doesn't change his underwear. It's more than just disgusting, it's… brr!

- Ed: "It's not so bad."

- Liz: "Sometime, Edwin, I'm so ashamed of you."

**Rule 22:** Don't follow any advices from Edwin concerning girls.

- He thinks he's a charmer like his big brother, but he's not.

- Ed: "That's not true! All the girls are at my feet!"

- Liz: "Hum, hum. No comment."

- We (Lizzie) have a lot of proofs against the accused and many witnesses ready to plead (and not for Edwin's benefit as you can imagine).

**Rule 23:** If you're a female, be cautious around Edwin.

- He can be _so _sticky when he's in presence of the opposed sex, he loses his mind when faced with a pair of breasts.

- Yes, he's a little bit pathetic.

- Yes, he's perverse too.

- Ed: "I'm not a perv', I'm just a man, and it's not the same."

**Rule 24:** Don't ask Edwin to play Edwino the superhero.

- Maybe that's sound funny, but it's really annoying after the hundredth time.

- If you do it, you'll be severely punished. We're still thinking about the punishment in question, but it will be terrible, you can be sure of that.

**Rule 25:** Don't embark yourself in Edwin's plans.

- Except if it's a Lizzie's plan too.

- The others members of the family: "Edwin and Lizzie plans are always crazy."

- But Lizzie and Edwin don't agree with that last statement.

* * *

Thanks to Dom-Jam, my betareader.


	8. Sport's stuff

**Rules 26 to 30**

**Sport's stuff**

**Rule 26:** Don't steal Casey's ballet pantyhose and wear them on your head.

- Stop it! That's ridiculous!

- Nobody believes you when you say: "This is a hold up, everyone on the floor!"

- You don't look like a professional thief, you just look like an idiot.

- Yeah, you'll think "There are just Derek and Edwin to do stupid things like that" and you're right.

- Ed: "Hey!"

**Rule 27:** Hold your breath when you're around Derek's hockey stuff.

- They smell like hell.

- If you don't want to die of asphyxia, it's better to just keep a secure distance between you and the stuff.

**Rule 28:** Don't touch Derek's lucky hockey sock.

- He is very, very superstitious.

- And he would kill you if you spoil his good luck.

**Rule 29:** Don't talk about Lizzie's hockey performance in front of her.

- If you do that, she'll surely decapitate you with her hockey stick.

- In general, she has a natural talent for sport, but this is not the case for the hockey. This fact is hard for her to admit. Respect that or Derek and Casey will gang up against you.

- And Edwin's health will be in serious danger if you disobey. He's the one who spend most of his time with her. Take pity on me, please.

**Rule 30: **Lizzie's soccer kneepads are NOT for gardening!

- That means you, Nora!

- Considering Lizzie's reaction when her mom stole her kneepads, we prefer to prevent anybody else from also doing so.

* * *

Thanks to Dom-Jam, my betareader.


	9. Sacred food

**Rules 31 to 35**

**Sacred food**

**Rule 31:** Make no comment when Nora serves weird vegetarian meal.

- Ed: We (men) don't know why, but women like eating grass. It's unfair. They impose their salad, even we offer a compromise. If they want grazing alfalfa, there's the lawn for it.

- Liz: "Men are _so_ stupid!"

**Rule 32:** Don't criticize Nora's cooking.

- The last time someone did, Nora had a nervous breakdown. She cried all night and nobody was able to stop it.

- Derek, Edwin and George were disappointed when the day after, they had nothing for dinner.

- Casey and Lizzie were furious at their macho behaviour.

- We'll let you imagine what happened after that…

**Rule 33:** Don't initiate a food fight.

- A Venturi-McDonald food fight is not pretty to see. No one emerges unscathed.

- Only family members are allowed to initiate a food fight.

- Take note that Derek and Casey are the only ones to take advantage of this privilege.

**Rule 34:** Leave the BBQ chips alone.

- They are men's property.

- George, Derek and Edwin will track you down anywhere in the world if you steal their precious chips.

**Rule 35:** Leave the vegetables to the girls.

- "Anyway, who wants to eat cow's food?!"

- Liz: "You're a dead man, Edwin."

- "Seriously, girls and their weight obsession…"

- Liz: "You're _so_ dead."

- "Don't be ridiculous guys, eat fast-food! "

- Liz: "Don't listen him, he's foolish."

- Ed: "That's false!"

- Liz: "No, it's true."

- Ed: "False!"

- Liz: "True!"

- Ed: "False!"

- Liz: "True!"

- …

- It seems evident that the authors have different opinions on this point.

* * *

Thanks to Dom-Jam, my betareader.


	10. Our Marti

**Rules 36 to 40**

**Our ****Marti**

**Rule 36:** Avoid Marti's puppy dog eyes.

- She's cute and she's perfectly aware of this fact. She will not hesitate to use her irresistible puppy dog eyes on you if you disagree with her.

- Besides, she pouts too.

- Resistance is futile. We have already tried and miserably failed.

**Rule 37:** Never say 'no' to Marti.

- She just doesn't accept that.

- If you pronounce the banned word, she'll scream until you give up.

- And she has a very sharp and disagreeable voice when she screams.

- Hey, why shod we have to all suffer for your idiocy? So say yes.

**Rule 38: **You're not allowed to call Marti by the nickname Smarti.

- It's a sacred thing between her and her biggest brother. Let this to them.

- Know that even our warning may be sacrilege.

- In the past, sacrilege was punishable by burning the offender.

- Derek already has his own modern version of the woodshed.

**Rule 39:** Beware of Marti's angel face.

- This is just a mask. In reality, she's a devilish demon.

- She is good at manipulation.

- If she compliments you, she wants something of you.

- If she begins to pout, pray is your only and latest chance. (See Rule 36.)

**Rule 40:** Keep an eye on the contents of your pockets.

- Marti has kleptomaniac tendencies.

- "Borrowing without permission" is still stealing.

- Even if she denied (ignored) the fact.

- Don't divulge this information or someone risks finding your dead body the next morning.

* * *

Thanks to Dom-Jam, my betareader.


	11. Evil Lizzie

**Rules 41 to 45**

**Evil Lizzie**

**Rule 41: Don't call Lizzie by the not-so-friendly nickname "Evil Lizzie".**

- As you might imagine, the title of this set of rules is an idea from Edwin.

- No need to say that when Lizzie finds out about it, she was furious.

- In view of the dark blue colouring Edwin's eye, you're better not make the same mistake.

**Rule 42: Don't tease Lizzie about boys.**

- She's very touchy.

- Remember Edwin's black eye?

- Casey is the only one allowed to give her opinion on this sensitive subject.

- But Edwin suspects that Derek helped Lizzie one time.

- Yes, it's why Edwin been sulking for a week now. He's jealous because his big brother doesn't help him so much with girls.

**Rule 43: Don't call Lizzie a tomboy.**

- She's a girl before everything else, and she wants to be treat as such.

- Just because she can beat any boy at sport and in hand-to-hand combat doesn't mean that she's not feminine.

- Liz: "Right!"

**Rule 44: Don't throw any paper, plastic or metal in the garbage.**

- She's an environmental freak.

- She can be very bossy when she wants to be.

- She'll force you to scavenging if you throw something recyclable in the garbage.

- Edwin has bad memories of his experience. Nora had cleaned the fridge this one time and threw all out-of-date food out.

- There were doubtful green bits in it.

- And lumps!

**Rule 45: Don't make sexist joke in front of Lizzie.**

- She's a sort of a feminist, the dangerous type.

- She has a powerful quick jab.

- And she kicks ass like no one.

* * *

Thanks to Dom-Jam, my betareader.


	12. Use of the TV

**Rules 46 to 50**

**Use of the TV**

**Rule 46: Marti has first priority with the TV.**

- Actually, it's not because we (the family) agree to this, but because we have no word in it.

- You already know why: no one can resist when her lower lip begins to tremble.

**Rule 47: Derek arrives in second.**

- He's the king of the remote.

- Don't hope to change the channel when he's in control.

- Especially if he watches hockey.

**Rule 48: Casey in third.**

- Even if she fights for the second place with Derek, she's always in third.

- But don't expect to take the remote out of her hands when she watches one of her mushy movies.

**Rule 49: George and Nora in fourth.**

- They are the parents after all. After letting their baby girl and their two obnoxious eldest children overcome their authority, they decide to put their foot down. Finally.

**Rule 50: Not a surprise, Edwin and Lizzie are fifth.**

- We are always the unwanted items.

- Not cute like Marti or insufferable like Casey and Derek, we have no proper weapon against the despotism of our parents.

- Yeah, life is so not fair. This is the curse of the middle child.

- We are seriously thinking of join the dark side of the Force, just to having some attention. If it works well for Derek, maybe it will work for us too.

* * *

Thanks to Dom-Jam, my betareader.


	13. Friends & Co

**Rules 51 to 55**

**Friends & Co.**

**Rule 51: Don't mock Emily.**

- She's Casey's best friend. Maybe her only real friend, so no kidding guys. Casey can be very vindictive sometime.

- She's Derek's girlfriend.

- At least she's Derek's girlfriend when we write this, but that may no longer the case by the time you read this. We never know with Derek.

- But don't take the chance.

- If you spoil Emily's reputation, you affect Derek's too.

- And he's going to make your life hell.

- For reference, ask Casey. She knows what hell looks like with him.

**Rule 52: Don't mention to Derek the brief relationship between Sam and Casey.**

- It had made a tiny scandal at the time, because of the unofficial law which says: "don't date the sister of your best friend".

- Liz: "It means nothing. It's ridiculous."

- Ed: "It is the law."

- Liz: "What do you think of the law forbidding you to date my friends?"

- Ed: "Crap!"

**Rule 53: Don't mention Ralph's short lived crush on Casey.**

- It's very funny when we think of it now.

- But Derek doesn't agree; he's still a bit prickly about it.

- And any mention of this event makes Casey uncomfortable.

**Rule 54: Don't call Sam a coward.**

- Maybe Sam isn't exactly valiant, but he's not a _total_coward anymore.

- Anyway, Derek is the only one allowed to insult his friends.

**Rule 55: Don't point out Ralph's stupidity.**

- Yeah, we know it's difficult. Especially when you're the one to deal with his idiocy.

- But remember, he's Derek slave/fan/friend.

- And he takes care of his slaves.

- Otherwise, who will serve him?

- OK, Edwin will do the job, but Derek needs people for when his little brother isn't there.

- Besides, let Derek deals with Ralph silliness, it's his problem after all.

* * *

Thanks to Dom-Jam, my betareader.


	14. George & Nora

**Rules 56 to 60**

**George & Nora**

**Rule 56:** Don't criticize Nora's tastes when we talk about decorating.

- It is her job and she cannot take _constructive_ comment well.

- Especially if the comment consists of something along the lines of "Uh, what is this horror!"

- For those of you who were wondering why George has slept on the sofa for a week now…

- Remember, an ugly thing can be pretty (in a strange way that only women or gays can understand).

**Rule 57:** Leave Nora to her crazy plans.

- Sometime, she arrives with some odd ideas, like becoming a housewife.

- Even if her idea sounds great, you can be sure the future will prove the opposite.

- But there is nothing you can do about it, just wait until she evacuates it (whatever it is) out of her system.

**Rule 58:** When she has a nervous breakdown, act as if it's nothing.

- Any memories of the cooking incident? No? See Rule 32 then.

- Anyway, you will become accustom after awhile.

**Rule 59:** Talk reverently of the Prince when George is around.  
- And by Prince, we don't mean Derek (anyway, he's more a King), Prince is a  
car.  
- Though, "car" isn't the best term to describe Prince, "antiquity" would be  
closer to reality, but this word is still too charitable.

**Rule 60:** Don't abuse George's credulity.

- Only his family is allowed to abuse him.

- Ed: "Not in a sexual way, of course."

- Liz: "Except for Nora."

- Ed: "Yuck. Shut up! They don't do the _that_."

- Liz: "Come on Edwin, you're old enough for…

- Ed: "Lalalalalalala. I hear nothing!"

- Liz: "You're so immature. I withdraw what I said, you're not old enough."

- Ed: "Lalalala… What? Do you say something?"

* * *

Thanks to Dom-Jam, my betareader.


	15. King Derek

**King Derek**

**Rules 61 to 65**

**Rule** **61:** Don't sit in Derek's chair.

- Derek is very possessive of his things and he cares a lot for his beloved chair.

- This chair is moulded to his behind, that should be enough to discourage you from taking it.

- If you're not convinced yet, think of the remains of his meal hidden in the cracks.

**Rule** **62:** Don't touch Derek's mess.

- We've already stated in the previous rule that Derek has a very strong possessive side, so it should not surprise you that his possessiveness extends to his mess.

- Even if you think you're doing it for his own good, stay away from his chaos.

- On first sight, he may seem disorganized, but it's the way he works.

- His mess is his centre of gravity; if you clean up his room, he will be disoriented. He can not function normally when it is in order.

**Rule** **63:** No kidding about hockey.

- We have just one thing to say: "Hockey is sacred".

- He has a lot of equipment, meaning that he's not afraid of being injured during an eventual battle.

- Yes, we know, we said two things. Or actually, three with this one.

**Rule** **64:** Don't mention Sally to Derek.

- She's the one who breaks it off first, Derek's ego is still suffering.

**Rule** **65:** Don't ask to Derek if he's sexually attracted to Casey!

- Some people (we will not name the culprits for their own safety) have suggested that the hatred of the two for each other is just unresolved sexual tension. Although Lizzie and Edwin found this hypothesis to be really interesting (it would explain a lot), they agreed it was better not to let Derek and Casey know about these rumours.

- Anyway, after a long discussion, the authors have come to the conclusion that both Derek and Casey will deny everything.

* * *

Thanks to Dom-Jam for the beta work.


End file.
